The “Gift” of Love

I woke up this morning to a jewellery advertisement on a social media platform informing me that Valentine’s Day is less than a month away and how I am already late to order something for my partner. In my head, I laughed an evil laugh and responded, “Too bad, I do not gift anything to my partner on Valentine’s Day.” Neither on Valentine’s Day nor any of the days leading up to the big day of love. As a matter of fact, we do not gift each other anything on our anniversary or even birthday. 

Do not get me wrong, I love “love;” my life revolves around this emotion. Also, I am married to perhaps the largest-hearted man in the world. We just do not associate gifts with a few days made special by a business’s marketing strategy. Neither do we believe in an expression of love through the exchange of “things.” We do get each other gifts occasionally, but they are strictly based on the following criteria, which remain the same when we are gifting anything to anyone:

1. It is based on need and/or utility. Multi-utility, rather. And not because it is our anniversary. Sometimes, we try to coincide gifting something with that special day, but it is always something we need in our lives at a time we actually need it.
2. It is environmentally sustainable. I love fresh flowers so much that my house is always filled with them, but I do not appreciate it one bit when they come wrapped in a plastic sheet. 
3. It conveys the emotion behind the “act of gifting;” gifts are never just a formality, they signify that the other person means something to us and we hope for the gift to add value to their lives. This can be better understood by the association of Sonpapdi (an Indian sweet) with festivities in India, haha! (Drop me a message in case you did not get the reference! :D)

Do not be bothered, it happens more organically for us and the process is not as mechanical as it sounds. I just could not figure out a way to make it seem less so! Haha. 🙂 To make it easier for you to understand how it works for us, it may help to list down The Five Love Languages written about by Gary Chapman in his book by the same name:

• words of affirmation,
• quality time,
• receiving gifts,
• acts of service,
• physical touch.

During our courtship, the husband wrote me long letters on my birthday and all other important occasions in our lives. Those words are gold to me. I wrote him poems and composed songs for him on his birthdays. We never shy away from telling each other how proud we are to have each other in our life. Taking out time and going on long walks in nature’s embrace is a gift we value most. Last year, the husband cooked my favorite meals during my entire birthday week. And I keep treating him to his favorite bands’ concerts. On most days, when I am running late for work, and he agrees to iron my office clothes or pack my food, I have received my biggest gifts for the day. My dad sometimes sprinkles rose petals on the tray when he takes bed tea for mum. If the husband and I have only this much between us when we turn 60, there would be little else I would need in life. Simply put, receiving tangible things as gifts is not the language we speak.

I also understand it is perhaps the most commonly adopted language of love. It just does not work for us. Here is why:

1. I do not attach emotions to “things.” Any substance that only has mass and occupies space, but serves me no purpose evokes little emotion in me. A thing of beauty or not, but of utility, is “joy forever” to me. Actually, only when there is a definitive need for it in my life at that time.
2. Things that we do not identify with mostly end up in the trash. When I open a gift, the first thought in my mind is of its life cycle after its disposal. And that is almost always the problem area. At the cost of repetition, I refrain from all that is plastic – things, and emotions. 
3. Gifts come with a lot of undue baggage, literally (for those with transferable jobs) and of course figuratively. The more expensive a gift you have received, the more pressure there is on you to return the favor suitably. I say, get a plant, give a plant and save the planet!
4. Is there any “thing” in the world that can ever match up to the love you have for someone? (Oops!:P) I have so much love to give and so much of it to receive, I don’t think there can ever be a thing of value as great as the amount of love in my life. I really do not expect any “gifts” from anyone in my life, nothing at all, never. I am also learning to say no to gifts, how much ever love they come wrapped in. Affection or absence of it shows anyway, with or without gifts.

However, on occasions, when the need for something more than our presence or our words is felt, here is my list of go-to gifts.

1. Plants – My favorite gifting option hands down. Plants signify growth, they elicit love and care, relax and cheer one up like few other things, are good for the environment and one can never have enough of them!
2. Planters – Ceramic or earthen ones. You could paint it to add a personal touch and yet not necessarily add to one’s baggage. I often leave behind some plants and planters when moving cities, and they continue to adorn another’s space. The easiest way to spread some cheer, and little to be worried about if they are discarded in the future. 
3. Baking or cooking for someone (or any act of service) – Of all the Diwali gifts I have ever received, it is a no-frills banana cake baked by my neighbor two years ago that I most distinctly remember. It is always the personal touch that matters, no? Our lockdown period of nine whole months became truly cherishable, thanks to all the delicacies we were treated to by our dear neighbors, on special occasions and mostly on the most ordinary, mundane days. 
4. Health – Giving someone the gift of good health. More than anything, it just sounds so good, haha. My sister gifted me a therapy session when I most needed it but did not acknowledge the need. Gym memberships or subscriptions of any fitness program is something you will always be fondly remembered for. 
5. Learning – The wealth of knowledge… ah, you know it! 😛 For gifting your loved ones access to webinars, online courses, hobby workshops, the options are limitless today. Book exchange is my other favorite option. No baggage, only “wealth!” 😛
6. Candles and Room Fragrances – Probably the only “thing” thing on my go-to list. Majorly because they get consumed upon use and hence do not add to the clutter. And lighten and brighten up spaces and moods instantly. 

Aren’t love and friendship gifts in themselves? Someone’s presence in your life, their time, the genuineness of their affection, the trust that they always have your back, the fact that they take care of all your needs without you having to tell them, raise your spirits when you’re feeling hopeless, and be your cheerleader, forever and for always – is there more that is needed? For me, this is more than I can ever ask for.  

What is your idea of gifts? What kind of gifts do you like to give and receive? Are you all set for Valentine’s Day, or you are late like me? Hehe. I would love to know! 🙂

• Indian Minimalists